Death to Peanutbutter Vandals
To Whom It May Concern:
WHOEVER IS POOPING IN THE PEANUT BUTTER FACTORY AND CONTAMINATING OUR PEANUT BUTTER WITH SALMONELLA AND ECOLI AND WHATEVER ELSE NEEDS TO CUT IT OUT!!!!!
There are many, many important uses for peanut butter in the hospital.
First, we generally keep saltines and graham crackers and peanut butter around so when people get hungry between meals (not hard since we serve mass-produced plastic-warmed shit), we can feed them.
Second, we also use it as a power food - whenever it's going to be past midnight before we can eat, it's a really nice temporary fix to eat a spoonful between minor disasters.
Third, it's a really important thing for diabetics.
Yes, diabetics. Because we occasionally end up overloading them with insulin and tanking their sugar to 40 or 38, as were the cases tonight. Sometimes we use the IV form of high-fructose corn syrup to bring them back up, but the drawback is that it's about the consistency of maple syrup or warm honey, and small-gauge IVs and especially veins don't really like that. So the preferred alternative is sugar-laden orange juice to bring it up right away, and then peanut butter and crackers to keep it up.
But that doesn't work too well when we DON'T HAVE PEANUT BUTTER.
Therefore, whoever's out there ruining all our peanut butter and related packing supplies, quit it!
Coincidentally, though, you should know that your peanut-butter poo tested positive for blood on our litmus paper at work, so you should probably get checked out. You know, so you don't bleed to death. But I guess on the other hand...
